The Stone

I've this creeping
Suspicion that things are not
as they seem
Reassure me
Why do I feel as if I'm in too deep
I've been praying
For some way to show them
I'm not what they see
Yes I have done wrong
But what I did I thought
needed be done
I swear
Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
This weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if
you'd come along
To hold up my head when my head
won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's
what you want
If not I'll go
I will go alone
I'm a long way
From that fool's mistake and
now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I'll be ok
I was just wondering if
you'd come along
To hold up my head when my head
won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's
what you want
If not I'll go
I will go alone
I need so
To stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close
And it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and
a bone chilling cold
I was just wondering if
you'd come along
Tell me you will

-DMB-

with a stirring of the thoughts in my mind alone I reached out to you
I stopped your bleeding and bandaged the wounds on your back and feet
From my plenty I fed your empty swollen belly and brought back your strength
I held you close to my chest and soaked up your tears with my shirt
With my words I drove the demons from your head
I brought back forgotten summer games with all their innocence and laughter
At my hand the blood of the fiends that rob the beds of your brothers and sisters wets the sand
By means of distraction alone my heart withdraws from you
Your wounds grow swollen and green
In the absence of food your tiny frame grows thin and frail
your tears turn sand to mud as they flow freely from your pleading eyes
Your tiny hands are stained with the blood of your brothers and sisters at the voice of your self-proclaimed fathers
Innocence raped away by blind hate blackens your daydreams with nightmares of the screaming dead
My self-indulgence closes the blinds while your body is thrown into a hole outside my window

new season...same bad weather

It is a new year and with a new year comes all sorts of resolutions for change. I say that I don't like the idea of a new year's resolution because you shouldn't have to have a special occasion to decide to change yourself for the better. I also find it pointless that people make resolutions and never keep them. We humans are such paradoxical creatures. It can be said that people never change. It can also be said that people change sometimes without rhyme or reason. Both statements are equally true yet completely contradictory. Still, despite my distaste for the empty ritual of new year's resolutions, I would be lying if I said that I had no hopes for change in this new year. It was my intention to begin a journey back toward a light that seems to be getting dimmer with each passing day. It has always been my hope to grow into a man of faith, integrity, honor, and above all love for my God. Instead it seems that I have grown into a man of cynicism, half truths, disrepute, and to say that my love for my God does not appear to be self evident is a sweet topping to a bitter dish. In the beginning it seemed that decisions effected only myself. Now my sin finds its way into the lives of other people. Why do we do the things that we do? In the moment the mind is clouded only by what there is to gain in that instant. How is it that I have changed so much that things I never thought myself capable of become recurring events. And how is it that I know this dilemma is not a new one, yet I find it baffling and nearly inescapable?

the country of the blind

The Country of the Blind

Hard light bathed them-a whole nation of eyeless men,
Dark bipeds not aware how they were maimed. A long
Process, clearly, a slow curse,
Drained through centuries, left them thus.

At some transitional stage, then, a luckless few,
No doubt, must have had eyes after the up-to-date,
Normal type had achieved snug
Darkness, safe from the guns of heavn;

Whose blind mouths would abuse words that belonged to their
Great-grandsires, unabashed, talking of light in some
Eunuch'd, etiolated,
Fungoid sense, as a symbol of

Abstract thoughts. If a man, one that had eyes, a poor
Misfit, spoke of the grey dawn or the stars or green-
Sloped sea waves, or admired how
Warm tints change in a lady's cheek,

None complained he had used words from an alien tongue,
None question'd. It was worse. All would agree 'Of course,'
Came their answer. "We've all felt
Just like that." They were wrong. And he


Knew too much to be clear, could not explain. The words --
Sold, raped flung to the dogs -- now could avail no more;
Hence silence. But the mouldwarps,
With glib confidence, easily

Showed how tricks of the phrase, sheer metaphors could set
Fools concocting a myth, taking the worlds for things.
Do you think this a far-fetched
Picture? Go then about among

Men now famous; attempt speech on the truths that once,
Opaque, carved in divine forms, irremovable,
Dear but dear as a mountain-
Mass, stood plain to the inward eye.

C S Lewis

why I hate camels

This afternoon I went to the library to work on some homework. I worked for about 3 hours at which point I was feeling a little stressed and just really needed to get out. When I walked outside I noticed that it looked like a storm was coming in so I got the idea to go out to the lake and sit on the pier and watch it come in. What would go better with watching a storm come in than my favorite cigarettes? Blacks are so great because they taste like some sort of weird cinnamony candy and they're too expensive to buy very often so you won't get addicted. I hadn't had any in a while so I went to the tobacco barn to pick some up but it was closed. By this point I had my heart set on a little smoking so I went to a few places in hopes that they would have them but alas...there were none to be found so I settled for a more generic brand and went out to the lake. By the time I got there there was a full blown electrical storm raging up in the sky. Quickly I was reminded of why I will never be more than the occasional smoker(besides the whole cancer thing) as the cigarettes I had purchased tasted horrible. I managed to finish one and felt quite unsatisfied.
I just sat and watched the storm alone. Lightening storms are my favorite. They are so beautiful and powerful with the brilliant flashes and earthshaking thunder. They're almost terrifying. If you've never sat outside and watched one I would highly recommend it. It reminds you of the awesome power of God and how little of him we understand. We know what causes the storms but what real purpose do they serve? Perhaps it is nothing more than to remind us of His magnificence. Anyway, as I sat there watching the light streak sporadically across the sky my mind began to wander. I started thinking about things that have been bothering me and trying to figure out what to do and what was going to happen. Then the wind stopped blowing and it was eerily still to the point that it snapped me out of my anxiety for a moment and I looked up again. The lightening was still flashing all around but there was no wind in the trees or across the water and I realized something. There I was watching this humbling display of God's power right in front of my eyes and yet I was far away trying to solve my own problems in my mind. I was worrying about tomorrow and what it could bring as if it wasn't in His control. It was as if He told the wind to be still as a way of telling me to be still. And I was still. For a moment I felt His peace.
After what could have been five minutes or half an hour, I don't know, I began to hear the wind coming from behind me in the trees and then it blew harder and harder. It started to blow so hard that I didn't feel safe sitting out on the pier anymore and so I walked back to my car as the rain began to pour. I'd like to think it was all His way of reminding me who is in control, and not just of the big things, of everything...including my own mind and petty dilemmas.

Malibu

So...since I've been old enough to own a car I have been on the verge of car problems. That sort of thing just comes with the territory when you're broke and can only afford really used vehicles. Anyway, so with the ratio of things that worked on the rodeo to things that didn't steadily on the decline I decided it was time to break down and drop enough cash to get something with no problems. On my way to the dealership the rodeo ceased to function as a vehicle making it increasingly more important to get a car that day. So after hours of searching I settled on a 2004 Chevy Malibu. Now, it certainly was not what I had in mind and I really didn't think it fit my personality but it was in perfect condition and the price was more than right so I got it. On the way home I felt a little down because I wasn't just thrilled to be driving a Malibu. That is not to say that I was ashamed of it or anything but it just wasn't "cool". So, yesterday the final papers were still waiting to be signed to make it mine so I made one final run to see if I could find anything else a little more sporty or whatever and I found something. It was definitely cooler than the Malibu but the price tag was a little higher. So I asked the salesman about it. Well, like any salesman would he started in on the spill about why that car was perfect for a young man such as myself. Whatever. So I tell him about the Malibu, which I had driven to the place, and he starts ripping on it. He starts telling me how when he saw me pull up in it he thought I was probably driving my mom's car and that I needed something like the one he had. That kind of pissed me off but he's just doing the salesman thing. Then he starts going on and on about how I would feel so much more confident pulling up in the sports car than in the Malibu; I just listened. He said I needed something fitting for a young single guy to impress the ladies. Despite the guy being a jerk I still kind of wanted the car so I called and asked my mom if she thought it was a good deal or not. Well...it wasn't a bad deal but not as good as the Malibu. She says she'll make some calls and see if there was another one a little cheaper. But the more I thought about things and about all the stuff that the salesman had said the more I didn't want it just to spite him. I didn't want to be like him and let what I drive define me as a person. I didn't want to buy something just because it was an ego boost. The more I thought about it I just felt dirty for even considering the guy's offer. I wanted the Malibu. Sure it's not fast or loud or "manly" but it's exactly what I need and nothing that I don't. I think God blessed me with exactly the car I needed and showed me that my pride would only get in the way. Besides, how stupid is it to let your car be your source of pride. That is everything that I don't want to be.

something a little bit more like myself

Well, I've had the same complaint from all of my very few readers being that the things I say on this blog actually sound nothing like me. So, I'm really not sure how much posting I will be doing this semester with my hefty 18 hour course load but when I do I hope to sound a little more like me with what I write. I'll try not to write about guilt about not helping with world hunger or discuss Biblical inerrancy. I agree, when I wrote about those things it really didn't seem like things I would say. I mean, it's not that I don't ever think about those things because those are my actual thoughts that I posted. They just don't seem to be subject matter that you would hear me talk about. I guess I mostly sound like I'm full of crap to people who actually know me because I write differently than I talk. Plus, everybody said I was boring so I'll try and make it a bit more interesting for those few who care.