it's either a pregnant lady or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

This morning I participated in a psychology grad student's research. Basically it consisted of me being psychoanalyzed. First, he asked me some simple questions like "how old are you" and "are you in a romantic relationship". Then he showed me about 12 different ink blots and asked me to tell him what I saw in each one. With each one, I found myself going into great detail about what I saw in these smears of ink on paper. Not only did I describe the objects that I saw within the blots, but I also found myself explaining what these objects were doing and why they were doing it and for whom. It was like my mind automatically made up a story for this imaginary object that I found hidden in the ink blot.
I was thinking about it on the way home and I began to wonder how this effects the ways that I see people. If I, without even trying, make up a story about the girl I see looking at herself in the mirror that I saw in an ink blot (there was one that, to me looked like a girl looking at her butt in the mirror), how much more so must I do this with actual people that I see. I realize that this isn't a strange concept because obviously everyone forms opinions about people whether they mean to or not as soon as they see them. We all have preconceived notions. I don't know...it just really hit me how much I must actually do this without even realizing it. I look at a person and automatically decide whether they are someone that I would want to get to know or not. I wonder how much I miss out on because of this behavior.

a lonely cabin in the woods

Have you ever found yourself so frustrated with the world that you no longer wish to be a part of it? Well...I have. Sometimes I become so angry and disgusted with people that the idea of becoming a hermit is no longer unappealing. Sometimes it feels like it would be simpler, or at least safer, to just find yourself a nice secluded place and stay there. You would never have to worry about people letting you down, lying to you, and you would never have to worry about hurting other people. But let's face it. This proposition is completely absurd and the logic is full of holes. So what do you do to keep yourself from being in a constant state of anger and frustration with people for being the complete idiots that they/we are? I asked someone this question. They said, "You just have to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ." What in the world does that mean? Well, I think that she meant by this, even though it was pulled from 2Corinthians 10 and was used in Paul's defense of his ministry, was that we must strive to find the good. The truth is that there are so many problems in the world and we simply cannot fix them all. We cannot force people do what is right and we cannot allow ourselves to get bogged down in the imperfections of our race. Focus on what is good, and what is beautiful, and what is right. To wallow in the blackness of human peccancy is to find yourself a miserable person.

"The goofy thing about Christian faith is that you believe it and you don't believe it at the same time. It isn't unlike having an imaginary friend. I believe in Jesus; I believe He is the Son of God, but everytime I sit down to explain this to someone I feel like I'm a palm reader, like somebody who works at a circus or a kid who is always making things up or somebody at a Star Trek convention who hasn't figured out the show isn't real."
--Donald Miller--

In the past few weeks I have had the opportunity to share my faith with complete strangers on several occasions. In fact, I have shared my faith more times in these past few weeks more times than I did in all of highschool combined. However, that isn't saying much. Anyway, that isn't the point. First of all I felt very illequipped. I have so many questions that I was afraid that they would have some of the same questions I have and I wouldn't have an answere and look like a blundering fool. As I was talking to these people this quote by Donald Miller was running through my head the whole time. I did feel like this kid who is making things up or the Star Trek guy, and just like Miller I truly Believe in Jesus and that He is the Son of God. As I was talking to these people, one in particular, I found it so hard to find the right words to use. I didn't want to be a salesman trying to sell this person on Christianity so that I could have a conversion under my belt. The thought of sharing my faith like that makes me sick at my stomach. I wanted them to know that I really did care and I wasn't just trying to get them to buy my product. I also found it hard to find the words to say because I didn't want to give them a false or overly glorified idea of what it is to follow Christ. It was so hard because I myself feel so very out of place among Christians sometimes. I see the hypocrisy. I see the pride and false religion of so many Christians and the thought of sending a "child" so to speak ( I mean this in the sense of a child in their faith ) into this world terrified me. What if they accepted Christ and joined a fellowship somewhere and saw all of the things that I see? I think that if I had not been a Christian for as long as I have and saw who He is I would abandon this religion simply on the basis of what I saw in the so-called followers of Christ. Now, let me clarify that I do not consider myself above anyone. I am a hypocrit at times and I have failed miserably on many occasions. As Paul said I truly am the chief of sinners. Also, my idea of what it means to be a Christian has changed so drastically over the past few years I didn't know whether to explain things in the way that I understood them growing up or the way I see them now. Is it necessary for young believers to see everything in black and white and to accept things they are taught almost unquestioningly until some sort of foundation has been set that they can build upon? I believe there are grey areas. If you asked me 5 years ago I would have been offended by that statement.

brand new thing to do

Well...I have decided to begin an actual blog. I suppose I will start with why I named this blog "thesecondswhenimshaking". It comes from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs called "Anna Begins" by Counting Crows. So, why do I have this page? It is certainly not to reveal my innermost feelings or any sort of crap like that. If I wrote my innermost feelings on here then they wouldn't be my innermost feelings now would they? I want this page to write thoughts on things with the hopes that people will give me input on what they think. I have a myspace page but basically I use it to write stupid stories that I make up and find humorous. With that said, I hope you enjoy my site.